I suppose that what I'm going to end up using this site for (mainly) is as a simple outlet to write my thoughts concerning this relationship. Granted, I do that for most things, but what that ends up being is a folder on my computer of files on files of my thoughts from various points in my life. While that's cool to go back and read, I really do like the idea of this site being a place where you can post as much or as little of a relationship as you wish and it's organized in such a fashion that you can easily sort through it to find out what the best course of action is... and people who might be interested or maybe want to help you out can do so. I... like this site. I do. It's cool to think that it's entirely possible that people are actually reading this.
Enough gushing and preamble. Let's get down to brass tacks, here.
Let's start with good news. Mainly because I don't really have any bad news. Yet. For anyone who read my other post, I ended up taking an entirely different approach to that particular problem. I simply asked her if everything was okay. She seemed concerned that I would ask that, and then reassured me that everything was indeed fine with her, following up with a "...or did you mean 'us?'" and then going on to say that she's very much thinks of this as a good relationship, and she knows this is a hard time for us. Then I got a little worried when she tacked on "but if it isn't working out for you, then let me know." That seemed awfully flippant that she'd end things that quickly (or maybe she'd just change? I doubt it. She's not really that kind of girl.), but I think that's just my paranoia talking.
I have a lot of paranoia. It's a problem. I'm working on it, and the only person that knows it's an issue besides me is you, person that is reading this. I keep it hidden very, very well. After all, I have an image to uphold.
Anyways. Let's get back on topic. I had a realization, of sorts. I'm still a relatively young person. We're both in college, for God's sake. Instead of worrying myself on minutiae, I should be enjoying the wonderful woman I have. Instead of trying to view this relationship through the lens of other ones I've been through, I should be taking this as it is, and simply handling things how I want to, instead of how I think I should. Comic Book Girl fell in love with me as a person, and I think it's time to start finally accepting that. She loves me, and she is not expected to prove it on a daily basis. I still have trouble believing it (I've met me. I wouldn't love me. I'd just do terribly wonderful things to me and then leave)... but again, paranoia. I just need to stop worrying. That's all.
I'm worried that she'll lose interest. I'm worried she'll find someone else. I'm worried that she'll cheat. All manner of things. All of these worries need to stop, and I'm in the process of doing that. All of these worries are the products of other relationships and how I've treated people in the past (I'm not the best at this. We've covered that already, on this website. I'm a pretty awful person.) and they have no relation to Comic Book Girl. She's her own person. I should be treating her as such, instead of worrying about her. She's a grown-ass woman, and an exemplary human being. She'll do as she pleases, and it's no right of mine to stop her. I'm a lot of things, but selfish is not one of them. The most I can do is be good to her, be there for her, and love her. Right now she's meeting all of my needs, so I'd like to stay with her. She really is wonderful. Since she's still with me, I assume that I'm meeting all of hers. Unless she's a better liar than I've ever seen. (paranoia)
I think that got sort of dark. I want to move back to brighter things.
Like I was trying to say earlier before I got massively de-railed... she's talking to me more. Which is a good thing. It makes me feel better about... everything. The even better news? She's coming home this weekend. That's the whole reason all this paranoia exists, I think. Words and strong reassurance is fine... but nothing replaces the feeling of physical security that lies in a tight embrace, a passionate kiss, excellent sex, and afterglow cuddling. (Fun fact. I had never really cuddled before this girlfriend. Every single "after" consisted of me spooning and hanging around and trying to figure out when was a good time to leave. She... converted me. It's cute, really. I sort of like it, now.) I'm going to have all of that this weekend, unless she's actually coming home just to break things off. (paranoia.)
I suppose I'll post about that, too. When it's all over and done with.
Man. Every time I think about things like this, I'm taken aback that I'm in a relationship. Whoa. Where was this when I needed it, right?