We started talking to each other in January and we hit it off, but he mentioned that he had several girls lined up and that he didn't want to get my hopes up and so I friendzoned him. When he found this out he seemed hurt by this. He then went to study abroad and when he came back all these girls that were lined up fell through and I was the only one left talking to him as a friend. He started pursuing me but I was still put off by all the girls and it took two months of persistent attention to be convinced that he may like me and I gave him a chance. When I met him I was blown away by how nice he looked. That night we ended up engaging in some sexual activities. I then asked if he wanted to be with me and he said yes so we made it official. After that I was worried that I came off too easy so I told him that I didn't want to have sex until I was ready but he said he wouldn't be with a girl that was chaste due to being taken advantaged off in his past relationships and he forced himself on me. I wrote it off--we're in a relationship so it's okay to have sex.
In the past three months I became deeply infatuated with him and we would take turns coming to visit each other(we lived an hour apart). We kind of jumped into the long distance relationship without a stable foundation of dating. He started opening up to me more. He also started telling me some disturbing things. He would always talk about his exes in a negative light, and he told me that he was settling for me. When I became visibly upset about this, he lied to me and said that I was his first choice. I became very confused. He also let a girl flirt with him in front of me without mentioning that I was his girlfriend at all, and he actually physically hurt me. The persistent attention from before disappeared, and I was worried that he found me boring since he stopped returning my texts enthusiastically. I tried to stop caring about his unattentiveness but it just made me feel sadder and more distant. I tried to be understanding with the fact that he had some unresolved anger with his pasts. He would keep talking about his exes and comparing them to me. I started becoming very depressed and unsure of myself and my grades plummeted because I was going to see him all the time and vice versa. He blamed me for pulling him down and being too clingy. In return, I said that he was never there for me when I needed him. I was always the one crawling back to him, ready to apologize whenever we fight. We discovered that he wanted something casual and I wanted something serious. Eventually we fought that we both agreed that we needed a break--him optimistically saying that we can resolve things at the end of the semester but I said we should really just break up. However, I couldn't stop talking to him. I missed him a lot and He didn't want to leave me all alone so he kept in contact with me, saying that he didn't abandon friends. I opened up to him about how much he hurt me with his actions. We kept talking and it went back to saying that we miss each other and that we like each other. He apologized for how he treated me, saying that was the kindest, most compassionate girl and that he wanted a healthy relationship where he wouldn't hurt me anymore and he just wants me to be happy. He also says that he doesn't feel like he's settled for me anymore, and that he wants our relationship to work, but I can't tell if he's just saying that so then I won't become depressed again. He says he wants us to just enjoy being together and he refuses to talk about the future because it seems like death to him. He came to visit me and we had sex and it was amazing. and he also wants me to come visit him this break. I asked him what we were and he says that we're unofficial. What does that even mean? Is he just saying all these nice things because he realizes that I'm a nice girl and he doesn't know how to let me down? Does he like me at all? Is he just in it for the sex and this is just actually a friends with benefits? Did the relationship not work before because he was guarded and too hung up on his past? Is it going to work now?
Comments
what does the change in behavior mean?
Okay...this is all my opinion, but you need to run like hell from this guy...you can most def do better than this back and forth. To answer your ?'s, unofficial means that he is not going to commit to you, and yea he prob is too pathetic to tell you the truth and may very well be avoiding hurting your feelings. Yes, he is definitely in it for the sex, it seems like he always has been and the reason it didn't work before to me seems because he was still trying to talk to other women. No, it won't work now because I don't think this guy respects you and it really doesn't seem like he gives a d*mn about how you feel and what you really want...his track record has been proven, and yes while the sex may be great, that is not enough for you to continue on compromising yourself and stick it out with this guy who prob is still not going to give you what you want...I hope I wasn't too harsh, but you seem like a really nice girl and I really do think you deserve better than this guy.
He did tell me that he couldn't commit because he's planning to go abroad in a couple of years...but doesn't that mean that we should break it off right now then? I can't tell if he's just in it for the sex or not because he says he wants whatever kind of relationship between us that makes us exclusively sexual because he doesn't want me with anyone else. Why would he say something like that? Why doesn't he find some other girl closer to him for sex?
Uhm so your FWB is not only using you for sex, but he's trying to control you and he's manipulative. To answer your ?'s yes you guys should break it off now because it doesn't seem like "you" are happy with what you're getting. He is just telling you he wants to only have sex with you exclusively, too control you via sex, unfortunately you are his "sure thing" and not in a good way :(. If he makes it seem like he wants to only have sex with you then you think your special, just playing mind games with you, if he really wanted you he would make a commitment. And lastly, he probably does have someone else on the side, I mean you only know what he's telling you, I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't the only one...again you should just cut your losses and take this as a lesson learned, you deserve better.
a commitment like making it known that he's with me or like a life long commitment sort of commitment? @_@
More like making it known that you two are officially together...
If I'm being perfectly honest, this doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships. He sounds bitter and vindictive (among other things) and those two alone are a terrible combination. It seems like he's trying to play games that he isn't really all that good at (I had all these girls lined up, so you better claim me quick. Oh, wait. All those girls "fell through." Mmhmm. Riiiiiiiiight. Sure they did.) You might have a strong desire to be with him, but you should definitely be considering yourself, first. What's the point of relationship if it's not to make you happy, satisfied, and help you develop as a human being? It doesn't sound like he's doing any of these things. TL;DR He's what you want, but maybe not what you need.
First, figure out what you want. That is the most important thing. Then you can figure out if the two of you are on the same page. Flirting in front of you, telling you about all the girls already lined up, speaking about ex girlfriends negatively all sound like a bad start. You have your emotions already involved so this one is not easy. You have to think with your head and heart. You should look into the book, "How Can I Find A Good Man: 50 Things to Always Remember About Relationships, Dating, and Intimacy."