Kathryn I can understand ..I'm in a very similar situation..the difference is that he lives very far from me so we meet very few times and since he told me that he was not in love with me and that I m not the woman for him I decided that I do not want to know anything about his love life..we will do 2 years in january..he s so different from me he's full of imperfections! he s a very difficult man!But I feel so good with him, I discovered what is real sex and pleasure ..I think that his skin has same composition of mine! what I can suggest..that also what I'm suggesting for me ..trying at least..is to not stop to look around us..meet people..and stop the relation when you understand that you arrived at a "point of no return", when you will be too much break-up..

Petal yes, our situations are very similar! Last time I tried to break up, I really couldn't because I was not ready to let go. As to looking around, I believe that while I'm with E., all the rest that belongs to me is blocked and won't come to me. All in the Universe is scheduled to perfection, we are the ones who try to rush things before the lessons are fully taught and learned... But in January he's going to Mozambique, where he spends a couple of months (by himself), and maybe that will be my timing...

Valerie Petal, we've all been where you're at. Me, just recently, and I wish I had ended it long before it led to where it has. He avoids conversation because he's only with you for the sex, and you know that. You're trying to get approval from someone who will never give it to you. Now do the right thing, for yourself, and let go of this relationship. Who cares if it breaks his heart...do you think he cares that your heart is breaking?

Venus Hi, you have really said it all yourself, you find him JUDGMENTAL and CRITICAL, you are not even sure you would like to have a relationship with him it he was available. This speaks LOUD and CLEAR to me. You know that you are only holding onto him because of the ego, making you feel wanted. The ego is very strong. By holding onto him, you are in a false state of feeling good. Sex is very important in the relationship but if you want a whole relationship, with commitment, love and sex, you must search elsewhere because he is obviously with you just for the sexual fulfillment. If you are more unconventional in bed, you are a giver and remember givers TAKE. Giving is very spiritual and you have alot of powerful energy. He is taking. I have been in many of these situations and these men (or women) are energy zappers. They want attention. Its time for you to get what you really want in life, a relationship based on love, not just LUST. Look after yourself, not his feelings. He needs to sort his emotional issues out himself, for example, why he has attracted a girlfriend and then wants more sexual fulfillment with someone else on the side. The universe will constantly test you for the purpose of teaching lessons. If you ready for amazing beauty and love in your life, you have to be in a space to attract it and feeling needy and just being with someone for sex alone is just a diversion in your journey. I am single and am doing alot of inner work to attract the right situations and people in your life. Trust and listen to your heart. Nourish your soul. And know that you are loved by a higher source. Love and light to you. Maree x

Petal well, finally did it! Completely stoped answering text messages and calls and I think he finnally realized that I can't have anything else to do with him. But I had to tell it to him, that I would no longer reply to any contact, and ask him to respect my decision. he still tried 4 or 5 times, but I kept my promise to myself! It was hard at first, to deal with the feeling of loss and a kind of loneliness, that's not real, because I was alone even with him in my life. But now I'm OK! ;)

FindYourPlusOne.com Your situation is a challenging one but not because of the distance in your relationship, but because of the distance you are having with yourself. You said a few key things that deserve addressing. 1) "I'm looking for stability and I'm very upset that people want me only for sex, nobody is in love with me." Do you believe this going into a relationship or do you find this to be the circumstance after you are involved with someone? If you are allowing sex to be the determining factor of being with someone, it may be time to think about waiting to become intimate with someone. Studies have shown that it's very rare for physical relationships to not evoke emotional attachments. Even if you think you are having a casual-no-strings-attached affair, it's very possible that emotionally you are becoming involved. When the sex ends because the man has moved on, you are still connected by your heart strings. It would be smarter to wait, resist the urges and get to know someone before becoming sexually active with them. Sex can wait. It can always wait. Love is developed. To get to a point of someone loving you and falling in love with you, it takes time and energy for those emotions to develop. If you are having sex without an emotional relationship from your partner, it's hard for the sex to turn into anything more than - just sex. 2) "I think I'm not the person a man would choose for his life." This is a troubling statement because if you believe this about yourself, it is very possible, this is the message you are sending to other people. Have you taken some time to do a bit of soul searching on yourself? Now would be a good time to do a personal evaluation of your love life. Make a list of what has been right and what has went wrong. How can you avoid those situations in the future? What did you do, if anything, to contribute to them? Now is the time to make a list of what you want. There seems to be a lot of power and control given to the men you become involved with - and this power needs to be redirected back to you. Only you can decide who you let into your life and into your bed. This is a turning point for you to draw the type of man you want in your life by focusing more on the type of woman you want to be. 3) "I know that if G would decide to try a real relationship with me I would be happy, and I would do my best to make him happy even if I thought that he is the type of person that one morning he would go out to buy cigarettes and disappear." There are so many red flags in this remark, that it feels like it the annual Running of the Bulls. "G" does not need to decide to have a relationship, he has had 2 1/2 years to "try" to have a "real" relationship with you. You would not be happy living in fear or worry that a corner store run will result in your partner not coming home - or worse yet, coming home with someone else and telling you to deal with it. You deserve more. You deserve better. And the sooner you are able to come to terms that you are deserving of real love, the sooner you will see that "G" is not what is bettering you. He is, in fact, what's making you weaker and less of yourself. This is a very complicated situation and there are many emotions involved. However, you should not be spending your time waiting in the wings for someone to come around and decide they want to be with you. This is a great opportunity for you to step away from dating and sex for a while and step into yourself. Look for someone who compliments you, not completes you. Getting lost in the complications of undefined relationships is not worth your heart. You are deserving of love and a real relationship. But first, you have to find one with yourself. Good luck! May you Find Your Plus One! xo www.findyourplusone.com xo

Castellana Good point! I agree and disagree. I agree that women in San Francisco tent to pick a more relaxed look than, let's say, women in LA. In part, because anyone that tries to walk the North Beach hills on high heels will most likely want to jump off golden gate bridge right after. Also, there is nothing more frustrating than getting one's hair done only to walk outside and be hit by the horizontal rain that San Francisco likes to sport. At the same time, I think it is important to "doll it up" from time to time. Men are visual, that is undeniable. So, knowing that, we can definitely use it to our advantage when we find a guys that is "worth it".

Rubinsh I Agree with every word!

sg2 haha "Dollying up" on certain big occassians is a definite must. However during casual days, it's attractive for women to show off their femininity with more flattering clothes. And it's not always necessary to show off skin to look like sexy. Sexiness is also about personality and confidence (huge deal) since looks can only keep someone's attention for so long

ninal this is such b.s....first of all, there are more than 2-1 STRAIGHT women to men in this town; so really, it isn't about what women are or aren't doing...it's about men never having to settle for one, because there is another one or three right around the corner. SF is a haven for playboys, and I have met almost all of them.

Finding my stride It's hard to characterize sf women. First off, most are not local but from somewhere else. The city's odd lifestyle draws an odd crowd and many make their own conventions rather than following society at large. There are different themes of people in this town; hipster women, yuppies, foreigners, thirty somethings. Some try harder than others. Plus there are a lot of asian women too. The women definitely are cuter in silicon valley, though there are fewer of them. I think the guy was being a bit of an ass but people instinctively reply negatively when asked about the opposite sex. Especially when they're looking.

Rubinsh Cool!

Sooverit Uhm so your FWB is not only using you for sex, but he's trying to control you and he's manipulative. To answer your ?'s yes you guys should break it off now because it doesn't seem like "you" are happy with what you're getting. He is just telling you he wants to only have sex with you exclusively, too control you via sex, unfortunately you are his "sure thing" and not in a good way :(. If he makes it seem like he wants to only have sex with you then you think your special, just playing mind games with you, if he really wanted you he would make a commitment. And lastly, he probably does have someone else on the side, I mean you only know what he's telling you, I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't the only one...again you should just cut your losses and take this as a lesson learned, you deserve better.

lostforever a commitment like making it known that he's with me or like a life long commitment sort of commitment? @_@

Sooverit More like making it known that you two are officially together...

Kingfisher If I'm being perfectly honest, this doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships. He sounds bitter and vindictive (among other things) and those two alone are a terrible combination. It seems like he's trying to play games that he isn't really all that good at (I had all these girls lined up, so you better claim me quick. Oh, wait. All those girls "fell through." Mmhmm. Riiiiiiiiight. Sure they did.) You might have a strong desire to be with him, but you should definitely be considering yourself, first. What's the point of relationship if it's not to make you happy, satisfied, and help you develop as a human being? It doesn't sound like he's doing any of these things. TL;DR He's what you want, but maybe not what you need.

Mr. Good First, figure out what you want. That is the most important thing. Then you can figure out if the two of you are on the same page. Flirting in front of you, telling you about all the girls already lined up, speaking about ex girlfriends negatively all sound like a bad start. You have your emotions already involved so this one is not easy. You have to think with your head and heart. You should look into the book, "How Can I Find A Good Man: 50 Things to Always Remember About Relationships, Dating, and Intimacy."

WotWentWrong Blog So sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It sounds like you had a really nice life with her and it's a tragedy that it's over.

Dreamerella I think that the issues are a lot deeper. This woman you love obviously suffered a lot and it's likely she has developed trust and insecurity issues. You promised you wouldn't watch porn and you did. It was a form of betrayal to her - much like a husband who promises to never beat his wife again - but does anyway. Maybe there's an association to her past with your actions that it has deeply wounded her too? Has she had any therapy to deal with the past abuse? I admire your dedication to this person and would suggest seeing a therapist to deal with your own broken heart as you sound very depressed. Maybe you could suggest couple's counselling to Debra if you truly want to make things work between you. Don't give up hope.

blzt Couples therapy is a great idea if she'll do it. You may need to be a little patient but it sounds like she'll come back around. Figure out the porn thing too if you can. Maybe it's not a big deal in your life, but be honest with yourself if you have a problem. Cause if she comes back and you have made a promise you can't keep.... In my experience women see porn much differently than men as to how it affects a relationship. I won't pretend to have the answers but trust me that I am aware of a lot of men dealing with this issue.

Lewis Heidegger I think you haven't been honest with yourself about the situation. In one sentence you talk about it being meant for eternity and then the next sentence you saying how it started as an affair. I think she was a woman that made you feel amazing and special, but that doesn't mean she was and is the only one that can make you feel that way. People want to give you hope and I don't want to steal that from you but I think you have to start protecting yourself a little. Start putting up a little bit of a wall between her and your heart. What can that hurt? If was meant to be she will come back. But you have to let her go either way. If she was truly in an abusive relationship, that isn't something you can't come away with undamaged. She may have a lot of issues to work out. Someone mentioned the pornography perhaps reminded her of past trauma. Well of course it did. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I hope it works out, but encase it never does I think you need to protect yourself. Start preparing to move on. And I think you are taking way too much responsibility for this. It was a little bit of pornography. If she can't love all of you, faults and all, and be able to talk through it with you, then that's not an eternity kind of thing.

Thunderous91 Im sorry fot the length of this. Thankyou all who replied to this. About a month (Nov. 10, 2012) and a half after she broke up with me we didn't have any contact with each other. So I decided to call her and asked how she was and talked a little while as to what she had been up to, how's she was, etc. I told her how much I missed her and asked if there was a chance of reconciliation. She paused a little and then said she didn't know, and give it a little time. After a few days I happened to bump in to her at a local mall and when we started to just chat a little bit, I started to shake nervously and tear up. I apologized for getting a little emotional. She didn't show any emotion and then she told me that she had just mailed me a letter. I asked her if it was good or bad and she just shook her head briefly side to side. So I tried to hold in my emotions and told her okay and to just always remember that she will be embedded in my heart forever. ( She really will... you could never imagine). So we said goodbye and I started walking away and when I got around the corner of a display case I turned around and looked at her for the last time. She looked up and saw me looking at her and kinda just tilted her head, then I turned around and walked away. After I got out of the mall, ( I was doing my 5 mile walk at the time and figured I'd walk thru the mall for the heck of it.) , I broke down while walking back home. I was compelled to text her what was on my mind so I wrote " If I can't ever have you again in this mortal life of mine, I will chase and hunt you down in heaven and pour my unconditional love all over your soul for eternity, I'll always love you Debra" I received her letter a few days later and she basically said that we were done forever, she admitted that she was in part responsible for breaking us down. I felt my entire world come crashing down on me and sat around the rest of the day. So as best as I could, I started to force myself to accept the fact and to start putting effort into me and try not to think about her anymore. This was absolutely the most toughest emotional dilemma I had ever encountered in my life. Well a few weeks passed and one eve. while I went to buy a cup of coffee, I noticed these red roses on sale and bought a dozen. I drove by her house later that evening and placed them on her cars windshield. The next day in the late afternoon, I received a text from her asking if I did this. I replied with a :-), and she replied "Thankyou". Then I replied to her " Have you ever noticed as roses die, their colors get deeper ? That is how my love gets with each passing day without being with you." No reply. I wasn't expecting one which believe it or not, comforted me in an unexplainable way. The finally at 3:09 in the morning on New Years day, I texted her " Happy New Year, Beautiful". She replied the same, without the beautiful part and that's the last time we were in Amy kind of contact. So here I go, trying to move on with my life every single day. I fully accept the fact that I Love her and will always love her and she'll never love me back. I remind myself of this to aid in my healing process, but I must honestly say that I cant stop thinking about her at times each and every day. She just pops into my head at random times and some times their more difficult to let go and others are not. Its tearing me apart. I go to therapy and have been for 3 years seeing the same therapist to keep myself on an even keel. I will admit, that I have not been anywhere close to that since our breakup. Fighting this has worn me down emotionally and physically. I'm exercising and trying to stay occupied when I'm off work, yet she still comes to my mind with no effort. Ive learned that I can love her so deeply and that she has nor will ever have feelings for me again. All hope is gone, but I still unconditionally love her and always will. Moving on with my life has been very difficult and I know I have to do this. I know I need to put all focus on me and try to forget the past. Its just that it is so hard to do this. I'm not very religious but something hit me about turning to God and I've gone to church during the times when there is no mass and kneel down in the front row and pray. I pray to the Lord to help me get thru this and to move on. I don't know if its helped or not. If it has, I cannot tell yet. Never Say Die. I'm sorry for the length of this bit being kind of a loner and not having a social life, gave me this to spill out my gutz. God BlessBless